Ranking Todd Boehly’s 13 Chelsea signings from sh*t to sh*ttest

It’s been a disaster, let’s be honest. Todd Boehly has made Chelsea significantly worse since taking over from Roman Abramovich.

Here are the many and varied mistakes he’s made at Stamford Bridge so farbut pretty much all of the transfers made under his watch could have made that list.

We’ve ranked the signings from sh*t to sh*ttest, and have included loan additions, but those who are yet to play for Chelsea have been spared…

13) Enzo Fernandez (£107m from Benfica)
He’s been fine but, understandably desperate to be able to hang their hats on someonepundits and fans have made far more of his performances than has been merited most of the time. We would certainly question whether his displays have been worthy of an extra year being tacked on to his eight-and-a-half year contract.

That said, being fine in this Chelsea team suggests he may well be bloody brilliant; he’s certainly got all the attributes.

12) Benoit Badiashile (£33m from Monaco)
Probably (definitely) should have included him in their Champions League squad, to prevent the need to bring the curly-haired competition winner on.

Badiashile has all of the typical physical qualities required to be a top Premier League centre-back, along with the composure reserved for the very best.

11) Carney Chukwuemeka (£16m from Aston Villa)
The Villa academy graduate’s recent lack of game time is baffling, and you can’t help but feel he would be absolutely flying under Unai Emery at Villa Park right now.

Impressive performances, mainly from the bench, at the turn of the year should have been more than enough to retain that bit-part role and if anything should have seen him pushing for a starting spot. Instead Chukwuemeka’s featured for just 27 minutes since the start of February.

10) Wesley Fofana (£71m from Leicester City)
He had a bit of a mare against Vinicius Junior, but he wasn’t the first and won’t be the last, and Wesley Sneijder clearly hasn’t seen Fofana’s other recent displays for Chelsea. The former Leicester man is not “a waste of money”.

And actually, although it all looked a bit shaky against Madrid, the future looks pretty bright centre-back-wise for Chelsea, with Fofana, Badiashile and Trevoh Chalobah all a good age with high ceilings.

9) Denis Zakaria (£2m loan from Juventus)
Like Chukwuemeka, Zakaria has looked pretty good when given the chance, but like Chukwuemeka those chances have been limited for reasons that aren’t entirely clear.

Zakaria probably isn’t part of this “clear vision” for the club everyone keeps banging on aboutbut it would be remiss of us not to point out that winning games of football should probably be a big part of that vision, and the Swiss international has looked one of very few capable of, and actually bothered about, doing just that.

8) Joao Felix (£9m loan from Atletico Madrid)
If Chelsea sell Mason Mount to Liverpool and buy Joao Felix for £90m the fans should burn Clearlake Capital to the ground, if indeed Clearlake Capital is a physical location and not some factory in The Cloud for bad decisions, and actually they definitely shouldn’t anyway.

A report this week claimed Todd Boehly wanted to sign Felix – who’s scored just two goals and has done infinitely more pretty things than he’s got assists – at all costs.

His position in this list says everything about the other players and little about him. He’s done next to nothing; his permanent signing could turn out to be the most humiliating of all.

7) Noni Madueke (£31m from PSV Eindhoven)
“I’m absolutely buzzing to be a Blue,” the poor b*stard said on his arrival three months ago. After two starts in his first three games, in which he showed glimpses of his talent, with his direct running and ability to beat players causing problems, Madueke has had just two brief appearances from the bench in the last seven Premier League games.

What was the point? Should have been loaned back to PSV until the end of the season.

6) Mykhaylo Mudryk (£62m from Shakhtar Donetsk)
One of the most exciting debuts in recent memory as he came on and charged at the Liverpool defence for half an hour, but perhaps at that stage we didn’t factor in how entirely sh*t Liverpool’s defence is.

Mudryk’s contributions since have been an assist against Leicester and some incredibly lily-livered shooting.

5) Kalidou Koulibaly (£33m from Napoli)
Koulibaly looks more like a Premier League veteran at the end of his tether than someone just starting out in the English top flight. His performances for Chelsea give him the look of a centre-back ready for a more relaxed life in Serie A.

4) Raheem Sterling (£50m from Manchester City)
It appears Chelsea have signed pre-Pep Guardiola Sterling. Either that or the four managers he’s so far worked under this season haven’t been utilising him in the same lethal way as the Manchester City manager.

It’s the latter, and although there seems to be a majority of Chelsea fans already willing to cut their losses over the England international, getting rid of a player with such an outstanding goal record when you’re a team that scores no goals would be a bold move.

3) David Datro Fofana (£10m from Molde)
If any signing looks destined for the infamous Chelsea loan army it’s this guy. You can see him bouncing around the Eredivisie, Championship and lower reaches of the Premier League before being sold to Crystal Palace for £12m in 2027.

2) Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (£10m from Barcelona)
When asked, not unreasonably, whether he might start the proven goalscorer to stop the goal rot against Brighton, Lampard said players need to “compete in training” to earn a place.

It doesn’t require all that much reading between the lines to come to the conclusion that Aubameyang isn’t bothering to do that, which will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone.

1) Marc Cucurella (£58m from Brighton)
Here he is, a giant walking, talking anthropomorphised shit on stilts, the shit for all seasons, the shit man of Europe. His performances are as bad as his pathetic gesturing to his teammates and the referees is irritating.

It’s genuinely unbelievable that Manchester City wanted him and we keep expecting Tal Ben Haim to remove his comedy wig and Cucurella mask. Actually, that’s incredibly unfair on Ben Haim.